A way to assess the effectiveness of our personal boundaries is to acknowledge how often they are being ram-raided, and how deeply we are affected by these invasions. If we are frequently meeting people who take from us, leave us confused and worse off emotionally, financially or otherwise, we need to learn how to set healthy boundaries for ourselves.
The good news is that anybody can learn how to set boundaries, even people like myself who are quiet and sensitive – the type that magically attracts boundary violations all the time.
Somehow, BVs (boundary violators) would always find me. When my children were very young and I was separated from their father, life sent me a professional BV, disguised as a friendly co-worker.
Soon after meeting her she treated me like a long-lost sister, but one to whom I was deeply indebted. She would call me several times a day on my days off, asking where I was and when I was returning so she could ask another favour of me. If I declined her, she would persist in asking several times before giving up. My already busy life was becoming all about her, even though she was a perfect stranger to me and my family.
But she wasn’t the problem, it was me. I let her do it, I let myself get sucked in. I was the people pleaser with an ‘eat all you can’ sign on my major organs. I was the one who felt guilty if I didn’t help her, I was the one who needed to ‘fit in’. BVs can smell this stuff a mile away and will migrate towards any new and vulnerable person on the scene – the new office girl, the new neighbour, new family in town, the ‘new’ anything.
It was no surprise that things manifested as they did.
I needed to wake up because I’d been tolerating toxic behaviours from family, friends, co-workers and intimate partners, all of my life.
Help wasn’t very far away, and it came more-or-less for free. There is a wealth of resources about this very subject on YouTube. It was tricky to dislodge the latest BV from my calf, but with practice, I became good at it.
Boundary setting is absolutely necessary when dealing with overbearing or manipulative people, especially if you are a quiet and sensitive person. We are routinely prayed upon and need to be vigilant.
I was first introduced to the concept of boundaries by a relationship expert who was helping me manage co-parenting issues with my ex-husband. Learning the skills and tactics of boundary setting are vital, but we also need to learn that personal boundary invasion is about US – and not about ‘them’. The BVs come to us to teach us what we need to become aware of, and what we need to learn.
Kinesiology is a holistic therapy that brings awareness to limiting thoughts and beliefs that inhibit our freedom of choice and keep us stuck with the same types of people or situations.
If this resonates with you, perhaps you too will benefit from seeing a Kinesiologist. Make an appointment today.
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